Almost Gone

2002-06-13T16:22:00.000-04:00

more than anything, one thing that i wish to do is vent. venting seems like a good thing right now, eh?

anthony. i just want to reach into my piggy bank, and pull out a crisp 100 dollar bill. 10 of them. just to help that poor kid get back on his feet. i feel so bad for him, he has such an amazing talent with his guitar, and he's a complete sweetheart. he has a genuine personality, and i like the kid. because of dumb stuff... just agh. i want to help him. but i know i can't. he'd think it was an insult or something.

and of course there's mike. the infamous mr. mike. i like you, alright?! i really do. almost six months, and i still like you. every waking moment seems to be devoted to you, and i realize how completely sick and twisted that is. i don't know what about you i don't adore, and frankly, i'm not about to find out. you're so mature, and i just want to tell you how much you mean to me. i will one day, some day, far away.

school. exams. they're almost over... not quite. no more classes, thankfully. four exams left... i'm counting down the days until they are finished.

blegh.

2002-05-18T23:33:00.000-04:00

wow. the last time i updated was over a month ago. craziness, i suppose. luckily for my one loyal reader, i've decided to update... or something along those lines.

so how's life with everyone? me. down. and then down some more. i've put myself in a complete state of isolation, and the act at school is starting to catch up with me. the draining of putting on a dumb disguise is getting to me... geezie moe. when will this be over.

the people at school that i thought were my friends aren't. them too. they're putting on an act, pretending to be my friend, all the time inside thinking how much they despise me. i just wish that for once, just once, everyone could be fucking honest with me. just tell me that you dislike me, i'll leave you alone. i swear to you i will. the blatant lying that goes on in school though? i can't take it.

something more uplifting...? nah. there really isn't much else.

i have a sweet 16 to attend tomorrow, but i haven't gotten around to telling the parental units about that.

monday is lobby day in albany. i'm excited.

more mindless ramblings expected later- ok. so i lied. probably not.

2002-04-09T17:14:00.000-04:00

Alright. I triple promised Carlos that I would update this thing today, so here goes. First off, (to Carlos... since you're the only one that reads this), stop making your blog look all spiffy, it makes mine look like a sham.

OPERATION: DISTANCE failed miserably. Haha. I'm really bad about it. When I'm not writing him an e-mail or talking to him on the phone, I'm thinking about him. CONSTANTLY. You would think that not talking to Mike would make things better, right? Well... wrong. Blegh. I'm hopeless, completely hopeless.

So tomorrow is the National Day of Silence. I'm super stoked x100 about it. I mean it. It really does make me feel a bit better about this world when I see that students/kids are getting involved. It shows that people our age actually DO give two shits about what goes on, and it makes me really happy to see that. I remember the beginning of this year. I thought that no one cared about activism of any sort... but now? I'm excited that all hope is not lost.

What else, what else. Someone thought it would be cool to use racial slurs around me on Friday. That was... not hilarious.

But enough of this mumbo jumbo. I've got some stuff to do.

2002-03-28T15:09:00.000-05:00

It's absolutely crazy nice outside... absoFREAKINlutely gorgeous. Why am I not outside? I'm not quite sure myself.

Apparently the world is mad at me right now, but I'm not too concerned with it. It's surprising, actually. One would think that I would be a bit more concerned with the fact that everyone seems to be angered with me for various reasons, but really? I'm feeling quite relieved. I'm not concerned in the least with the fact that people think I said something that I never did. After much sorting, I suppose one could say that my group of friends is decreasing at a rapid rate, but I'm quite content with it. I'm kinda irritated with putting up with shit involving other people, having my name sneak in somehow. I'm tired of it, and I'm glad that it's done with. If you want to be mad at me? Fine. Suit yourself.

Off to the Empress tonite with Mer. Cripes, I've been spending a lot of time with her. A LOT. Well, maybe not too much. But I've been talking to her every day which is quite amusing on account that we can go a month without speaking with one another yet come back together and find that everything is still in place. Quite amusing, indeed. Anywho, going to see a band that I don't show complete interest for, but hell. A show is a show. A good show? I suppose that's still to be determined.

So after getting Mike out of my system, I think it's safe to say that I'm back to ignoring him. Or trying damned hard to. Alright, so it's tough, on account that I like the kid so damn much. If he calls me or sends me another letter, I'm breaking all ties off with any operation I've ever created. Ahhh, he changed his phone message. Quite thrilling, actually. Haha, I hate liking him. I hate it, hate it, hate it.

Alright. I'm through.

2002-03-26T13:52:00.000-05:00

TO CARLOS: Dude yo... I busted. I talked to him today. I'm sorry! I couldn't help it at all, he just IMed me, and I had to respond to him. He's so damn nice. Arg. I was really hoping that you would sign online and be like, "don't talk to him, you can hold out!!!" but NO! You had to NOT be online. Arg.

OPERATION: DISTANCE- aborted.

2002-03-26T11:28:00.000-05:00

so it's been a few days since i've updated this thing... i almost forgot about it. oh well.

i went to band practice of sorts yesterday- not my band, on account that i can't play an instrument, but a friend's band. man, i wish they wouldn't trash themselves so much, they're really not all that bad. every other word they said, "we suck". i did enjoy them to some extent, so i don't know what they're talking about.

my hands are cold.

still haven't talked to mike.

damn... my hands are really cold. not having school makes the vacation boring. i'm gonna jet.

2002-03-21T18:52:00.000-05:00

Dammit. I went five whole days without talking to Mike, and then the fool decided to IM me today while online. Absolutely terrible. I wanted to respond to him so badly, he was just IMing me so friendly, and... blegh. Carlos was of no help, haha. I know I'm going to crack. I just know it. Dammit. Is something like this supposed to be so damn hard? I keep telling myself that I'll be able to do this, that I'll be able to go a very long time without talking to him, but it just doesn't seem very likely. Help. Now. Please.

So, today in school was Grim Reaper Day of sorts. Every 32 minutes, one student was pulled from class and had to paint their face white and was not allowed to speak for the rest of the day. The first person to get pulled? Matt. Surprisingly enough, I was really very sad about it. I hate it when something involving a school related activity gets me thinking. But nevertheless, it does. Imagine how terrible it would be for someone so close to you to be killed- especially by something that was not their fault. By something that the person could not prevent. Like being killed by a drunk driver. Now I know why I made a vow to myself to stay drug free. It's accidents like drunk driving that cause so much suffering nowadays. Anything that I can do to prevent that- I will. I have to. There's no other solution, right?

What else do I have to get off my chest...

Some girl that used to be my best friend of sorts just... highly irritates me now. It seems as though she'll do almost anything that she can to fit in. She wrote something that shouldn't bother me, yet it really did. Something along the lines of her not being able to like a girl because she wasn't into "punk", something that this girl and her friends had in common. If this girl is being so damn punk, I'll let you know right now. She's been doing a great job of fooling me about it. Something else that really irritates me about her? It seems as though every friend I have she takes away. She'll rip them out from underneath my nose and not allow them to come back to me. Either that, or she'll steal all my spotlight away. If the attention is not centered around her, then she cannot be happy. Does that bother me? You better believe it, sucker.

And another girl. Who comes sporadically to my lunch table and sits down. I don't think that she has gotten the clue that I DO NOT like her. It's something that has become too hard for her to comprehend. It's not so much that I enjoy seeing her suffer, it's more of the fact that her prescence really bothers me. She struts around as though she's so much damn older than me, when in reality, a mere year or so separates us. That's bullshit. And I'm sick of putting up with it. She should go and fuck herself... or screw someone else over. I'm absolutely sick of it.

Overall, school kinda sucked today. I kept to myself from 5th period on. Going back to Grim Reaper Day for half a second, one other thing bothered me. The people who were chosen to "die" could not speak. The select few who participated in this event really and truly believed in what they were doing. They stood very strongly for the cause. It's when others laughed and tried to make them talk that I was bothered. I don't understand someone saying, "I want to die too!" with a fucking smile on their face. That's not what this day was about. It was meant to make the student body uncomfortable, it wasn't created for fucking shits and giggles. And the people that I respected the most lost some of that today when the laughed after seeing a "dead" face and wished to sign up for SADD next year just so that they could participate in the festivities. I hate the narrow-minded people in our school, the ignorance raging in our school. Dammit. I hate half the student body.

I can't wait for boxing lessons to start. Some much needed anger will finally be released, I suppose.

2002-03-18T20:19:00.000-05:00

i've decided to completely diminish to writing one entry a day... a way for me to help cope with this terrible condition i have of being addicted.

right... so i'm already breaking my promise. i'll write later tonite. damn, i'm a sucker.

before i go, OPERATION:DISTANCE is going fantabulous.

2002-03-17T23:31:00.000-05:00

just do me a favor. it's not that i'm asking for much. if you don't wish to speak with me, don't type "brb" and never return. don't. because that will thuroughly proceed to piss me the fuck off, and i am not one to be around when i get like that. i try to help you, and you don't take it. that's the last time i ever do you a favor.

sleepXcore. just get through one more nite, i tell myself. we'll see.

2002-03-17T22:25:00.000-05:00

i've decided. i absolutely hate working my ass off for something that never gets completed. i hate booking shows for bands that fucking bail on me. not cool. at all. i get my hopes set high, that i'll book a successful show of some sort, all to have the band say, "we're not going on tour" or "i'm leaving the band". i have to stop doing people fucking favors and just do what's right for me. here i am, putting myself out for everyone on display. i hold a big cardboard sign that says, "i'll book your band". and what do they do? they come to me with many offers, and then once things start to take shape, they tell me they don't want to do the tour anymore. i say fuck that. fuck you.

i wonder if we're allowed to curse here. hmm..

punching bag. i want to use your head as a punching bag. putting me in this position. oh sure, she'll book shows for you, she does shows in new york. dammit. every single favor that i have ever done is never returned. it's empty promises, empty promises that i'm sick of. enough of this. now it will be easy. i can cut you out of my life just like that. you were never there. you will never be there. you're nothing to me. so just go away, dammit, go the fuck away.

2002-03-17T18:46:00.000-05:00

i'm not quite sure what keeps bringing me back to this stupid thing. haha, i almost feel guilty calling it stupid on account that it shows some unknown comfort towards me.

still i refuse to write that stupid english paper, or do any homework, period.

instead, i've filled my day with watching "confessions of an ugly stepsister" and playing tony hawk.

i wish to pretend that i was intellectual or something of that nature and play a game of chinese checkers by myself. ya know, one of those games where you psycho-analyze every single move that you make. kinda like chess, only chinese checkers. i would play a game of chess by myself. sadly enough, i can't play chess. if you'd like to teach me, be my guest, by all means.

why did i bother with this entry? i'm not sure myself.

arg. i really do wish that mike was not on my mind all the time. dammit, why did he have to be so damn nice!

2002-03-17T15:21:00.000-05:00

Much like Carlos, I figured I'd procrastinate a bit.

I have a stupid English paper to do on something that I wasn't paying attention to in class. On Friday, some lady came into our room and told us the harmful effects of alcohol and drunk driving and such. I wasn't really paying attention. Instead, I was writing about something non-school related. Blegh. So, I was supposed to take notes on something and then write a paper on it. Needless to say, I'm not prepared to write a paper due to lack of notes. Poop. Maybe Matt has them. Haha, I'll probably do the damn paper tomorrow before first period. Now there's a plan.

I should also probably do some math homework. I haven't done it in about a week, and of course my teacher doesn't know because he's an idiot of some sort who stays at home with his son when he should be in school teaching me... math. This is dumb.

My progress report came in the mail, and it was all good and stuff, but I still have an uneasy feeling in my stomach. Ya know how sometimes you wake up and you're just thinking to yourself, "man, i wish i could go back to sleep and NEVER wake up"... or you feel kinda suicidal and hold a bottle of nail polish remover to your mouth? and then two weeks later, everything is alright? you don't? oh well. i do. right now, everything seems to be going perfectly, yet i feel so uneasy, it's truly unexplainable.

more than anything, i just long to talk to mike. how bad am i? cripes. i set a plan for myself. i told myself that i would go on OPERATION: DISTANCE of some sort. where i don't talk to him. stop exchanging e-mails, stop talking on the phone, stop talking to eachother online. i'm going to just cut it off. completely. that way it won't hurt so much when i find out that he has a girlfriend... or that he hates me terribly. so there's the plan. just don't talk to him. stay away from him. sounds easy, doesn't it? damn, it's definitely a lot harder than i thought it would have been, considering the fact that he is just about all that i can think about.

in other non-related boring news, april is going to be a great month. I'll kick it off with seeing my favorite band, anti-flag four times, catch some badass local acts, then head to quebec, come back for the skate and surf fest in jersey, and end it all with going to albany for a day. april... ahhh. i'm excited, aren't you?

i've taken off about seven days from work in april, i hope they don't fire me.

cinnamon toast crunch bars rock the house... just thought you might want to know.

right. so this is enough for now... i have a great vegetarian cuisine of sorts tonite at this great vegetarian place. and jennifer garner is also on tonite. life is good... so why do i still feel like drinking nail polish remover? dammit.

2002-03-17T10:51:00.000-05:00

geezie moe. it's really quite amazing how i miss someone who i don't even know. actually, i think that's wrong for me to say. is it? to some extent, i do know this kind fellow, mike. and i love the guy to death, he just doesn't know. he lives about 8 or so states away, and it seems as though every waking moment is devoted to him. just thinking about him, writing about him, trying NOT to talk to him. just everything. egads. love or lust? i'll choose crush.

it's alright to be a hopeless romantic, no? golly. i really do want to tell him how i feel about him, but chances are he'd blow me off or never talk to me again. we have some sort of small friendship going on right now, i don't wanna blow it. not yet. not ever.... oh well. we'll see. until ten minutes from now....

2002-03-17T00:02:00.000-05:00

damn. i'm watching snl and i realize just how damn scary bjork is. i remember watching vh1 (my favorite station) one day... it was called the "top 100 crazy things that a psycho superstar would do". alright, so it wasn't, but i'm sure it was something along those lines. anywho, bjork went crazy on a reporter, pulling her hair and such. and she also wears this swan dress that has made her completely infamous. werd.

enough of this craziness. i feel as tired as... a tired person. i'm off to bed. until tomorrow, i suppose.

2002-03-16T22:48:00.000-05:00

alas. a second entry, so close to the first. this one is more of a trial entry of sorts. i enjoy this template immensely. then again, i thought i enjoyed the last one just as much. oh well. i'm a girl, therefore giving me the power to change my mind a lot.

it just occured to me that the library dude at school has always referred to me as nothing else but miss lee. which is not my name. i'll have to talk to him.

i made a badassticularly badass birthday present for my sister using photoshop. either i'm too poor to buy her a present or i like using photoshop. i will most certainly choose the latter of the two.

righty-o suckers. that's it for this one.

2002-03-16T22:36:00.000-05:00

ahhh, the first entry. this should be interesting.

i suppose i should use this like every other person who has a blog of his/her own. just to write about me, my non-interesting life, my stupid friends, and of course, about "what i did today". blah.

fortuneatly for you, i DO have a non-interesting life, stupid friends, and of course, i'll write about "what i did today". so here it is suckers. another ordinary blog of sorts. enjoy it while it lasts.

and go visit carlos' blog: House of Slug